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Wednesday, February 20th, 2013

Time:10:48 am.
SL responded with a big heavy sigh and a loud "Awwww" when I said you weren't allowed to make racist jokes or comments in a professional workplace.

When signing up for our training tools, SL was happy that she did not have to put her middle name on the program because (and I quote) "There's like SO MANY different ways to spell my middle name. I'm not sure which one it is!"
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Time:10:47 am.
SL - "What does utilize mean?"
Me - It means to use something. You use your tools... you utilize your tools.
SL - "Sigh! This is a hard job! All these big words!"
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Time:10:45 am.
K (my boss) - I'm going to be candid with you guys...
SL - What's candid mean?
K - It means straightforward, truthful
SL - That makes no sense! What about candid camera?
K - It's a hidden camera show so people are being straightforward and truthful because they don't know a camera is on them
SL - That makes much more sense now!
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Time:10:44 am.
SL - What's mo-del?
Me - Model?
SL - No, M-O-D-U-L-E
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Time:10:43 am.
W - My name is really fun to write in cursive.
SL - You aren't supposed to curse! It's not fun! We learned that the other day!
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Time:10:39 am.
(after completing an online module teaching an aspect of the job that's very important and the basis of EVERYTHING we do from here on in)

SL - Hey! I got 100% on that last one and it only took me 7 minutes! I didn't even read all the words!
Me - You should read all the words. You might be skipping stuff that's important that you need to learn.
SL - Oh, I know what's important. All the stuff in bold and underlined is important.
Me - You need to read every word... not just the titles. The titles don't teach you anything
SL - What if I know the next word is "the"? Can I skip that word?
Me - No, read every word!!!!!
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Time:10:38 am.
SL - Have you ever noticed that we only have one Korean (or foreign language) song become popular every once and awhile?
Me - Yeah.. sometimes a song will break through in another country
SL - In a way it helps us learn another language so we'll be really good at dealing with customers on the phone
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Tuesday, February 1st, 2005

Time:12:26 am.
"I can't get my Internet to explore!!!"
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Thursday, December 30th, 2004

Subject:New York City customer....
Time:2:28 am.
Customer: Where are you located?
Me: I'm in Ontario, Canada.
Customer: Oh wow! What time is it where you are?
Me: Same time as you... almost 2:30am
Customer: Oh wow! That is so weird. I mean, California is a few hours earlier.
Me: Ontario is directly North of New York State.
Customer: Yeah, so weird. California is way earlier!

*throws a map at the customer*
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Monday, November 29th, 2004

Time:5:04 am.
Background: The customer (who will be known as "Crackpot" from here on in) is experiencing some sort of weird activity on his computer... probably virus or spyware related and "SomeGuy" is going to be fixing it for him. Crackpot doesn't know who SomeGuy is and I'm the first person he's spoken to on the telephone since this issue started.

Things Crackpot told me:
- SomeGuy is fixing his computer online. He told him NOT to touch the computer and wait for him to post a message on his screen that it was fixed. So naturally, Crackpot didn't touch the computer, he only unplugged the modem.
- Crackpot has spent 4 days without sleep sitting near his computer that didn't have Internet access waiting for a message from SomeGuy. He didn't want to wait anymore so he called me to help.
- Crackpot built his own computer, so there is no manufacturer to refer him to.

What his computer is doing:
- The Yahoo Messenger icon (who will be known as Mr. Smiley from here on in) has turned evil.
- Mr. Smiley removed himself from the system tray and is holding his computer hostage.
- Mr. Smiley started to get red dots all over his face like he had the measels then he turned purple and started smoking cigarettes.
- Mr. Smiley finally stopped smoking and started to have a nic-fit. During this time he threatened to kill Crackpot if he turned off his computer. Mr. Smiley also threatened to delete everything off of his computer if he shut it down.
- 4 windows with glass doors appeared on the screen, Mr. Smiley ran into one and the guy locked him behind the door. "SomeWoman" (?) told him not to let Mr. Smiley out from behind the glass door or else!
- Crackpot accidentily let Mr. Smiley out of the locked door and he ran around threatening to kill him again.
- Mr. Smiley got tired, turned into a LittleMan and started sleeping in the system tray. Clicking on LittleMan doesn't make him wake up, it only makes him turn into a giant M for a few moments then return back to sleep.

So I did what every tech would do... I referred him to Microsoft!!!! Perhaps if they reload Windows he'll stop being attacked by Y!Messenger icons that have turned into a life of crime.

(x-posted to my regular journal, this one is too good to pass up!
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Sunday, November 21st, 2004

Subject:Ping Me!
Time:7:58 pm.
Customer - Yeah, I'm having a problem. When I'm at work I can't ping my home computer.
Me - Do you have any firewall software on your computer?
Customer - Yeah
Me - Do you have a router?
Customer - Yeah
Me - Well, that's what is stopping you sir. Your security hardware/software is not allowing you to ping your computer.
Customer - Well, that's ridiculous! Why would it stop me from pinging my own computer? Other people can't ping my computer either! This service is crap!
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Tuesday, September 21st, 2004

Subject:Fucking idiots...
Time:9:54 am.
So, I just kinda notice this message on my computer... WTF?

[19:42] [Hittler] hola
[19:44] [Hittler] cuantos anos tienes
[19:47] [Hittler] cotesta sanababitch
[19:47] [Hittler] fucquiu
[19:50] [Hittler] puta o puto chao
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Thursday, August 19th, 2004

Subject:Moronic Co-worker
Time:3:59 am.
I have some moron sitting behind me now. I'm ready to poke my eyes out listening to him talk to customers. Today, however, was an exception. I couldn't stop laughing. Of course.. I could only hear one side of the conversation but it went like this.

Tech: Who manufacturered your labtop?
Customer: ????
Tech (in a slightly bitchy tone): Ummm... no sir, that's LAB TOP... L-A-B-T-O-P!!!

After that point, I had pepsi coming out my nose (from laughing so hard) and I missed the rest of the conversation. I'm sure it was a great one.
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Tuesday, August 17th, 2004

Subject:My name...
Time:4:52 am.
Mood: crazy.
Most of the time I love my name. I'd say I get 2 or 3 comments on my name at work per shift. It doesn't usually bug me. Generally it's a quick "nice name" and then it's on with the call, never to be brought up again until I'm forced to say it at the end of the call.

Tonight was the exception. It was late and we were getting our regular sporadic calls from a certian southern division. (Note: Jim the simplify guy must die!)

So, I say my normal blah blah that includes my name and the hick-ish guy on the other end says in a thick Southern accent...

... Are you the teeeenage wiiiitch?

Me - No, sorry. *insert courteous laughter* I haven't been a teenager for awhile now. How can I help you?
Hick - Well. I was gonna ask ya to help me with mah problem but can't ya just wave yer wand and fix mah problem?
Me - *insert more courteous laughter* Sorry sir, I don't have any powers. We'll have to do this the old fashioned way.
Hick - Okay there Witchie, Mah Iternet is not workin'

So we ended up having to unplug his modem and restart his computer. He makes a couple comments about me working "mah magic powas" during the recycle. BAM! He was back online. Good short call! *whew* Then he comes out with the big one...

Hick - I knew you had dem powas!

*shoots herself*
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Friday, August 6th, 2004

Subject:Interesting Conversation...
Time:8:26 am.
Mood: irritated.
I play this game similar to Neopets. It keeps me busy at work and has become my little obsession. I was chatting on their public boards when someone posted something. Names are removed to protect the stupid and all grammar/spelling is left intact.

ID10T wrote: if ur computer is eva slow....guess wat u shud do? You shud hug it or reset it.I am a Computer expert....
I respond: If it's slow, run a spyware scanner. Hugging it won't help.

I check the profile of ID10T.... "I am a computer skill person. I help people with computers if they have problems."

Then... I receive a private message from ID10T...

Subject: Spyware
Message: That is a bad virus it gets all of ur passwords and hacks into them....you cannot get spyware out of you computer system.This is a WARNING to tell you spyware is damageing ur computer.Do not reply to this eamil if it's important.

So, I respond...

Subject: RE: Spyware
Message: What are you talking about?

Spyware is not a virus. It is marketing tools designed to spy on surfing habits and pop up advertisements based on keywords and websites you use during surfing. There are very very few spyware programs that transfer personal information, although they are out there.

Spyware is also pretty easy to remove if you know how and have the knowledge to replace the files it modifies.

You posted about computers being slow.. I said the main reason computers are slow is because of spyware, which is true.

Of course, you are all expecting an intelligent answer...

Subject: RE: Spyware
Message: How come i cannot remove mine?it's a virus pplz liten to me.

I can't leave things go...

Subject: RE: Spyware
Message: You need the correct tools, like a spyware scanner to completely remove spyware from your system.

If you have a virus, then it can be cleaned with a virus scanner. Spyware needs to be cleaned with a spyware scanner because they are two different things.

No response yet...
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Subject:Tech Support with Dad
Time:5:06 am.
Now Dad is pretty new to computers but he's doing pretty good. He can follow directions. Perhaps it may be easier for me to teach him (versus the people I speak to at work) because I know the right things to say to him to get whatever he wants done.

He wanted to change his resolution tonight. He's been on 800x600 for awhile and he's finding it a pain in the ass to scroll on some websites because 1024x768 is becoming the standard. So, I help him out...

Me - Okay, now right-click on your desktop.
Dad - Desktop? All I see is My Computer, Recycle Bin, etc, etc...
Me - See that picture of the chick in a bikini? Right-click on her ass!

Things went smoothly from then on in. :)
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Sunday, August 1st, 2004

Subject:Top 10 "I don't care ifs"
Time:5:34 am.
I don't care if...

1) You have a term paper due tomorrow. It's not my fault you left it until the last minute.
2) You have to send an e-mail to your mother. Call her on the fucking phone.
3) Your service has been out 2 weeks and this is your first call.
4) You live in a trailer and have 5 kids. Nice to see cable internet is one of your top financial priorities.
5) You are in the middle of an in-depth conversation with your buddy on IM. You called me so pay attention!
6) You run an alternative OS, just don't expect any help with it.
7) Your AOL browser doesn't work. Are you that much of a fucking moron that you pay for 2 ISPs willingly?
8) Your computer won't start up. Stop calling me for issues that have nothing to do with me.
9) Your area is on tornado watch and you can't connect. Shouldn't you be hiding somewhere or getting the fuck out of there?
10) Your computer knowledge is lacking. Take a course, we provide you with Internet service, not a 24 hour "teach me how to use a computer" centre.
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Saturday, July 31st, 2004

Subject:I'm a NETWORK ENGINEER!!!!!!!
Time:4:32 am.
This guy calls in with a simple connection issue. He is unable to connect to the Internet. Great, no outages in his area so it's probably going to be a simple "reset the modem" call.. yippie. Then he drops the bomb....

"I'm a Network Engineer"

I'm thinking oh great... either he's going to tell me EXACTLY what's wrong with the service or he's going to be a fucking dumbass who thinks he's the king of the IT world. He was the dumbass.

It starts with me finding out he isn't having problems with his connection. His connection is working absolutely fine. It's only when he has his router connected that he's unable to surf. We didn't supply your router, we don't support routers. Call your router manufacturer or check your settings. Have a nice day.

He didn't like that answer too much. Apparently since he works for Cisco he has enough knowledge to know it's not his configuration. Of course, it was "working yesterday" so it couldn't possibly be damaged in any way. It has to be our servers rejecting him. He started spewing a bunch of shit trying to prove how much knowledge he has... "Blah, blah, blah. I'm running a WAN, that's WIDE AREA NETWORK! Blah, blah, blah.. I have a NAT, that's NETWORK ADDRESS TRANSLATION! Blah, blah, blah..."

He left my phone but had to tell me first that he was going to download a packet sniffer to prove me wrong... that his router just didn't "stop working".

Personally, I don't give a shit if he's to blame or he proves me wrong... we don't support your shitty Netgear router anyway.
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Tuesday, July 20th, 2004

Time:9:06 pm.
Customer - I can't access the Internet. I'm unplugging my modem right now.
Me - ok then. We'll see if that gets your connection back.
Customer - Okay. It's plugged back in.

(wait for lights to come back)

Me - I see your modem is connected now... before it wasn't.
Customer - Whatever *that* means in your computer lingo!!!

Ummmm..... He used the word "modem" in the first sentence so I know it's not that word that he is having the problem with. The next largest word is "connected"...

con·nect (k-nkt)
v. con·nect·ed, con·nect·ing, con·nects
v. tr.
To join or fasten together.
To associate or consider as related: no reason to connect the two events. See Synonyms at join.
To join to or by means of a communications circuit: Please connect me to the number in San Diego. Her computer is connected to the Internet.
To plug in (an electrical cord or device) to an outlet.
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Monday, July 19th, 2004

Subject:Last Call of the Evening....
Time:7:39 am.
Typical last call... 3:45am... The customer can't connect to the Internet. Windows ME. Modem is online and it can ping by URL and IP.

The customer is obviously very frazzled. I can hear it in her voice. She's got that "anxiety attack" voice going on like she just ran Daddy's porsche into a ravine and he's going to beat her ass when she gets home. She's actually hitting the NUMBER KEYS as she's speaking because she's so frazzled. "*beep* I'm not *beep* to get *beep*..net." I tried calming her down. Assuring her we would see what was causing her problem, blah, blah, more mumbo jumbo bullshit. She just kept going on. This was speakerphone material and everyone around me got a kick out of my pain!

She was freaking out about the time it would take to solve her problem... "You aren't going to take forever are you?" and I'm thinking "Depends how much of a dumbass you are!". She just kept repeating that she was missing sleep and that she should be in bed and it always takes forever and begging me not to take a long time. She asked me to promise her I could solve her problem in 90 seconds and in 2 steps. Over and over. Over and over. Let me talk bitch!!! She wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise so I just started talking over her...

"Look Ma'am.. your modem is online. I can access webpages from YOUR MODEM. So there is something wrong on your computer. I don't know what is wrong at this point. It may take more than 90 seconds. I cannot promise anything"

*insert crying* Yeah.. she actually started crying.

Almost 10 minutes into the call I said to her "we've been on the phone for 10 minutes. I could have had most of my troubleshooting done by now". That is kind of a lie, because anyone running Windows ME most likely has a super old bloated piece of shit computer filled with spyware.

She said "I just need to get this done" and I said "okay... lets get this done... Click Start and Run". Then she paused, took a breath and started freaking out again. I was very pissed off by this point and started repeating "Click Start then Run". The 6th time it came out of my mouth I gave up. There was no way to help this woman.

Now she's just wasting her time and my time so I say.. "Well, if you don't want to do any steps I can't help you." Another pause. I expected more tears but no. She apoligized and said I was very nice but she was too worked up to do any more troubleshooting. More troubleshooting? All I managed to get out of her was her phone number and the fact that she is running Windows ME!!!

I wrote down her number and I'll check it tomorrow night to see if she called back.
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LiveJournal for Every time a phone rings I die a bit on the inside.

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You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.